An involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake. That's the fourth definition of a Dream as stated by Webster's Dictionary. To me, its precisely the state you're in when you make the decision to pursue a Dream. After the fairy dust settles and the unbridled ambition of pursuing such dream comes to a halt, though, you got some splainin' to do Lucy. Which brings you to me. Or me to me, or, whatever you get it. A super ambitious young girl who moved to LA to pursue her dream of acting. Which I must say kept her mojo going for quite some time, but when the realization of "this shit is not going to happen overnight" really settled in, I moved a bit of my ambition to another venture I was just as passionate about - fashion blogging. "Perfect, I can blog and potentially turn this into a business while I pursue acting. One will get my noteriety up (i.e. Instagram followers *insert eye roll here*) so it can help with the other. Boom. I had the perfect equation to success in my eyes.
As a couple years would prove, my mojo had been run dry by both of these efforts. Why, when I loved both of them so much? Why do I feel so lost and at times that I should just say fuck it because who the hell is noticing me anyway? Then the little blacklight lightbulb went off in my head revealing the dust left in these dreams path - I had voluntarily entered two professions were one can often, and quite easily I might add, feel like there not enough. There's acting, where you go on audition after audition, send email after email trying to pursue the next gig or agent or manager by presenting your best self at all times. Where you're only left with "You don't fit what we're looking for at this time." Then, there's blogging where you really try to present your best self, even puff it up a little bit so you can fit into the extravagant expectations that bloggers have set nowadays, to only be met with, "Many thanks on reaching out, but we're going to pass at this time" (taken from an actual email). Always just, not quite enough. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Not censored enough. Not on brand enough. Enough is Enough! I've come to the point where I don't want to create or I don't want to pursue anything because there's that feeling of I. Am. Just. Not. Enough.
Then, I have to dig myself out of this creative grave and remind myself that that, is a lie from the pit of hell and that I go this. It's all about the tint I put on my glasses. Which, I admit, have been pretty dark and skewed. The I remember, I only see things how I want to see them. Life really does give you what you want if you only think about it. Kinder-fuckin-garten simple right? I couldn't be more wrong. I mean, nothing is impossible, but when you were never taught how to see the good in things it can feel as such. Such is life. I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Isn't that the best way to learn - by teaching yourself?
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